Is someone pushing your buttons?

Photo by Katya Austin on Unsplash

We can all identify with the feeling of having our buttons pushed, and it doesn’t feel good. It may cause anxiety, anger, stress, helplessness and many other emotions that don’t move us forward on our path to success. Quite the contrary, it drains us of energy or focuses our energy in areas that do not work for us. So why do we let others push our buttons?

Our buttons are only pushed with our consent. That is, we let others push our buttons. We do it by interpreting the action, comment, expression or event to mean something about us. We are interpreting the actions of the other person through our lens. This creates emotions that I’ve described above. You may be wondering, how did this become about me when it was someone else who did something. It’s because we have no control over the actions of another but we have full control over our reaction.

I will describe a simple formula to help stop your buttons from being pushed and instead, de-activate them altogether. With conscious effort and some practice, you will see results!

• Step 1: Stop and breathe! Become aware that your button is being pushed.

• Step 2: Ask yourself – what interpretation am I attaching to the event? That is, what has really caused the upset? Most often we interpret it to mean something about us.

• Step 3: What’s another possible interpretation?

• Step 4: What interpretation am I going to choose to apply to this event and how will I respond?

The fourth step is where you make a conscious decision. Sometimes its easier to take the easy path, to allow the button to be pushed, to feel the anger, to let the adrenaline rush happen. Anger feels powerful in the moment! But consciously choosing another possible interpretation is actually the more powerful path. By doing that you will conquer the button, it will stop working against you and may start working in your favour.

I will share a fictitious example to explain this better. Jane and Sally are colleagues who work in adjoining cubicles. They share the printer and photocopier. Jane’s buttons are pushed when Sally prints documents that Jane thinks could be read online. She has casually mentioned to Sally that it would be nice if she restricted her printing to necessary documents. But Sally doesn’t seem to get it and Jane writhes with anger when she hears the printer going yet again.

Here is how Jane applies the 4 step process to this button.

• Step 1: Stop, breathe and acknowledge that her button is being pushed

• Step 2: Ask herself what interpretation she is attaching to this event. She determines that she is interpreting the event to mean that Sally has no respect for the environment or for Jane’s environmental views and prints just to provoke her.

• Step 3: Explore other interpretations. She comes up with a couple:

- Maybe Sally is unable to process information by reading it on screen. After all, she belongs to a generation that grew up with paper and pen. Jane has noticed how she hand writes notes on her documents. Maybe she doesn’t know that she can annotate right in the electronic file.

- Maybe Sally’s eyes are irritated when she concentrates on her screen for longer time periods. Jane has observed Sally rubbing her eyes when she has been staring at her screen. She has even made a comment to Jane about that.

• Step 4: Jane chooses to accept the first alternate interpretation. She asks Sally about it calmly at lunch one day. Sally acknowledges that she is indeed unable to review long documents on screen. She feels lost without being able to make notes. Jane shares with Sally some strategies that have worked for her. They end the conversation on a good note.

The next time Jane hears the printer, it does not bother her. She has turned off the button and in its place there is a new found appreciation of how another person processes things. Maybe Sally prints less, maybe not. The important thing is that Jane’s buttons are no longer being pushed.

All buttons are not this simple to deactivate. Sometimes, after going through the 4 step process, you may find out that the other person has indeed wanted to push your buttons. In that case, make a conscious decision to rationalize the action and then let it go. Read my earlier blog on Attitude to get a few tips on how to do this.

So, how are your buttons being pushed? Give the 4 step process a try. Keep an open mind and be creative when coming up with alternate interpretations. Most importantly, remember it is in you to control your reaction!

We do not see the world as it is. We see it as we are

- Anais Nin