Are you listening?

Listening is one of the most important things we do as we communicate with people. It is a form of communication that is often overlooked, even though it is more important than speaking. Not to be confused with hearing, listening is not just the physiological act of hearing sounds but it’s about making sense and connecting with the person who's talking to you. It’s about hearing something with thoughtful attention.

I want to share with you a few things that I have learnt, both through my training as a coach and my experience. I’ve always been told that I’m a good listener. It comes easy to me because I’m an introvert and introspective by nature. However, once I was enlightened by some of the insights I am about to share with you, I became a more effective listener when communicating with my husband, my friends and family, my business colleagues and my coaching clients. Remember that it takes practice, and practice makes perfect.

The easiest way to think about the art of listening is to think of it in “levels”. All three levels assume we are listening intently and are not distracted.

Level 1 (Subjective listening): This is when you listen with your own agenda or needs in mind, relate the information back to you and respond based on your agenda. While the speaker is talking, you are thinking about a response, about how you’ve had a similar experience. For example, your spouse tells you they had a tough day at work and are tired. You respond by saying you’ve also had a tough day – that’s life, can’t wait till we are free of work! And then you may go on to relate your tiring and difficult day. Or a colleague comes up to you and tells you how frustrated they are with the boss. You respond by saying how the boss is terrible and many people are complaining about her. You go on to share your own experience dealing with her and how you dealt with it and urge them to try the same approach. Day to day interactions often fall into this category.

Level 2 (Objective listening): With this type of listening, you are completely focused on the speaker, take in every detail, and don’t relate it back to yourself. You listen actively. For example, if your spouse tells you they’ve had a difficult day at work and go on to describe the day, you listen to the details, ask questions to understand better and get all the facts. If a co-worker complains about the boss, you listen to the story and ask questions to gain clarity. The speaker feels heard. You may offer advice, but you are truly listening to the person and not immediately relating it back to yourself and to your own experiences.

Level 3 (Intuitive listening): This type of listening is when you intuitively connect with the speaker. You read between the lines. You listen with a focus on what they are really trying to say versus what they are saying. For example, when your spouse tells you they have had a tough day at work, listen to the message first using Level 2 listening, then think about what they are trying to tell you. You may say something like – that must be difficult, I’m sure you are feeling tired and frustrated. What can we do together this evening that will let you relax. Or when a co-worker brings up the difficult boss, listen and acknowledge their concerns, speak to the frustration you are hearing.

Level 3 listening is the most powerful form of listening. Sometimes people want to be heard and understood, not solutions. The greatest gift we can give each other is to listen in a non-judgemental manner. Try to understand the hidden message, the unspoken words, the heart of the listener. Acknowledging the other in your conversation is powerful.

So the next time you have a conversation with your spouse, a colleague or a friend, try to incorporate these components of listening. It takes time and practice but the results are worth it, both for you and the speaker. We all have the gift of hearing, now let’s develop the gift of listening!

I will end with a quote that is appropriate in this context.

“If we were meant to talk more than listen, we would have two mouths and one ear.”

- Mark Twain

Enjoy listening!